Old School.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Every so often, an as-yet unknown writer manages to pull together a fanfic that is a complete success, a triumph of the human spirit. This isn't one of them. But it's a big-budget return to FF8 fanfiction for Alan Smithee, so you KNOW you want to read it.
1. Prologue: Zero to Sixty in a couple chap...

"I cannot believe this!" Ultimecia screamed. "Stopped...I could have succeeded, too, if it wasn't for those punk SeeDs...no matter...one day, they'll all falter...I'll find a way...then they'll all be doomed!" Ultimecia then proceeded to cackle maniacally because that's just what all people who are evil as fuck do.  
  
Six months later.  
  
"Soon..."   
  
"Squall, what's been going on?" Rinoa asked as she ran into the room.  
  
"Soon I will return to their time..."  
  
"Nothing much. You know, that whole 'commanders have a lot of work' thing, remember?" Squall replied.  
  
"They'll never suspect a thing..."  
  
"Okay.I'll just be taking a quick nap, in case you want to join me..." Rinoa said as she walked out towards her dorm room.  
  
"My chance to strike..."  
  
*zzzz.... What are you doing here? Whoa...You want me? This is good...ready to rock? That's only every girl in Garden's fantasy...zzz...* Rinoa dreamed.  
  
"Do not worry, little one..." Ultimecia replied.  
  
*What? You're not Alan Smithee, wait...ULTIMECIA?* Rinoa shouted.  
  
"Yes...do not worry...you will have power...more power than you could know..."  
  
*What? Excuse me, I already beat you. There's nothing you could do to me...*  
  
"If that is so, why don't they respect you more?" Ultimecia asked.  
  
*Um...that is not possible...* Rinoa replied.  
  
"Then what occurs? Squall not giving you the treatment a lady like you deserves, the others making fun of you behind your back as 'whiny', everyone calling you a 'total ditz'...I call that not respecting you..." Ultimecia explained.  
  
*You're right...how do I get respect?*  
  
"Join me. Soon, every person in your world will respect you. I swear it."  
  
*But...I can't...Squall...he'll destroy me...*  
  
"It is necessary. Soon, you'll be more powerful than him...powerful enough to make him your woman if needed."  
  
*Yes...respect is the most important thing in the world...well, after being pretty and popular, but still...* Rinoa repeated.  
  
"It will pass."Ultimecia stated. Instantly, Rinoa woke up.  
  
"Rinoa? What's going on?" Squall asked.  
  
"No more Ms. Nice Girl!" Rinoa yelled as she sent a fire spell towards Squall and walked past him.  
  
"Geez...my sorceress girlfriend...talks in a voice that isn't her own...sends out a spell towards me...Yep, she's waving, all right." Squall remarked.  



	2. Chapter Two: The story starts to take sh...

  
"What do I do now, mistress?" Rinoa asked as she headed to try and start a new base.  
  
"First...you must get some people to serve you...then, you will be in power..."  
  
"But why not just get the SeeDs to follow me? Or the Galbadian soldiers?" Rinoa asked.  
  
"ARE YOU A FOOL? You need people who serve the necessary parts for good minions! There's only one place to go for your minions..."  
  
"HELLO, THERE, MISS! HOW MANY MINIONS WOULD YOU LIKE FROM US? EACH ONE 100% GUARANTEED...EVIL!"  
"INDEED."  
  
"Yes...I need as many stereotypical Japanese soldier-types as I can possibly get to be my minions of terror. It's the rule, right?" Rinoa asked.  
  
"AH! CALL UP THE TROOPS! WE HAVE A HUGE JOB AHEAD!"  
"INDEED."  
  
"Okay, just to get the necessary points out of the way...Do all your minions know martial arts?" Rinoa asked.  
  
"OF COURSE! WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS DO YOU THINK WE RUN HERE?"  
"INDEED."  
  
"Perfect...Do your minions make sure to never remark about how their nation was only a secondary enemy in the war and yet are pictured as the greatest evil ever, whereas Caucasians from the nation they were in league with are either comic buffoons or are easily able to be sent back towards the side of 'Truth, justice, and the American Way' just by an American guy asking them really nicely?"  
  
"WE WOULD NEVER EVEN DREAM OF QUESTIONING THAT LOGIC BY THE MEDIA!"  
"INDEED!"  
  
"Well, I think that we're all set up. I'll take a normal 'EVIL SORCERESS PACKAGE': millions of nameless faces who the good guys can kill off, a few 'boss minions' who can shamelessly try to get on the good guys' side when they have obviously lost, a couple of bumbling heads...You two are cool with those, right?"  
  
"IT WOULD BE OUR HONOR!"  
"INDEED."  
  
"...Okay, and let's see...Oh, yeah, one high-ranking officer-type who could be read as 'NOT trying desperately to kill off everyone' so that the politically correct people don't tear Alan a new asshole. That should be it..."  
  
"THERE YOU GO. PLEASE SHOP WITH US AGAIN."  
"INDEED." The two salespeople found a crew of their workers and headed off to follow Rinoa to her base.  
  
Meanwhile, over at the Garden, Squall was beginning to get worried.  
  
"Dammit...This doesn't look good...Rinoa's never been gone this long before," Squall lamented.  
  
"Don't worry, man. Rinoa'd never just...leave you. She loves you too much to do that. Just like me and Sefie here..." Irvine replied.  
"Damn straight, Irvy...Just give it a little time. Probably visiting her mother or something...IRVY? NOT HERE!"  
"I know, man. You just need to handle this...why not just go take in a movie or something with us? You know, make it a foursome…" Zell replied.  
"What? Zell's finally come out, guys..." Squall laughed.  
"NO...It's just that I don't go to movies with people. I wasn't asking YOU out..." Zell replied.  
"Oh, okay. Sure. Why don't we see you with girls, then?" Selphie asked.  
"What? We may be SeeDs, we may be slacking now, but we're still warriors. In all good war movies, the secondary characters ONLY die if they have a love interest," Zell explained.  
"Oh. Yeah. Once again, we always forget...Zell only gets his rules from the movies. Come on, love interests don't cause death. I mean, we're alive, Squall and Rinoa are alive..." Irvine replied.  
"Yeah...sure, sorry, but there's no proof there. I'll just stay like this for now..." Zell said. Suddenly, a girl who they recognized as being from the library staff came over to them.  
"Oh, you guys are going to movies? If Zell needs a second, I'll be happy to come...::pleaseaskmeZellpleaseaskme::" she asked.  
"I'm sorry, but I cannot do it. We've both got our lives ahead of us. It'll all be better...soon..." Zell replied.  
"Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll see you!" The girl left and the three continued talking.  
"Well, we'd better get going! It's too late to go for the train, so we'll have to go to the one over in Balamb. You know, the one where Zell can't come?"  
"Watch me. I'll be right beside you at the place. Give me a few minutes, though..."  
  
"Well, we've got through...I think Zell's still at the ticket booth...let's just wait for him, see if it works..." Selphie said. Zell walked up to the booth.  
"Okay, that's one for the show...theater 18...WAIT...aren't you Zell Dincht? We were told not to let you in..."  
"NO. I am not Zell Dincht. I am professional wrestler Crash Holly. See? No tattoo like that ruffian Zell does..." Zell replied.  
"Of course Zell has a tattoo! You're obviously wearing makeup over it!"  
"No. This is not makeup!Besides, check my Patrick Duffy leg. It will prove I am who I say I am." Zell replied.  
"CRASH DOESN'T HAVE A PATRICK DUFFY LEG! ONLY SCUZZLEBUTT DOES!" the cashier yelled.  
"Yes, but that means that Zell doesn't either, so I cannot be Zell! Give me my ticket!" Zell paid for his ticket and joined the others.  
"What was all of that about?" Squall asked.  
"You know. Confuse the hell out of him. Now let's go." The four found their way to their seats and watched.  
"AND NOW,THE NEWS OF THE DAY. Deling City was overrun today by a group of revolutionaries led by the Sorceress Rinoa today. The Sorceress, who was thought to be peacefully living with Garden, proceeded to implant herself as head of Galbadia. This is News Of the Day, paying homage to our great evil leader Sorceress Rinoa..."  
  
"DAMMIT...we're going to have to fight again, aren't we...Squall?" Selphie asked. "Squall? Where'd he go?"  
"He left after the message. He told me that I was in charge...at least until he brought Rinoa back to Garden. As my first order of duty...BOY! Go get me a soda, STAT!" Zell replied.  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter three: It's just about shaped...

"Um, Zell, I don't want to question your leadership or anything, but shouldn't we do something safe? Like maybe ORGANIZE OUR TROOPS, FIND SQUALL, AND TAKE DOWN RINOA?" Selphie asked.  
"NO, we SHOULDN'T, because we have a movie to watch! Now let's go through this! Then we will search for all of them!" Zell replied.  
"Yes, but who knows what'll occur if we wait too long?" Irvine asked.  
"Don't worry about it, man. I mean, I'm COMMANDER of Garden. I run this place. Nothing will go wrong while we're in this movie...Oh, this is three hours long? Dammit...Eh. It won't go totally wrong." The three stayed to watch the movie. Eventually, they headed out of the theater.  
"That movie was sooooooooo great, Irvy..." Selphie said.  
"I know...It showed about love conquering all...I'm just glad I watched it with you..." Irvine replied.  
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT IT? That movie's plotline totally reeked of heinositude! The history was real, granted, but that one scene...EVIL!" Zell replied.  
"You're not supposed to watch the movie for the HISTORY, you should watch it for the love!" Selphie exclaimed.  
"Well, it did follow my main rule. If you're not a main character and you have a love interest, You gonna DIE," Zell replied.  
"Oh. Sure. Someone needs to get laid..." Irvine replied.  
"Sorry, I'd much rather live. Now let's go back to Garden." The three went back to the Garden to find some total chaos.   
"Zell! You're back! I've been looking for you!" Quistis stated.   
"What's wrong?"  
"Well, you three might want to get into the building..." The three followed her into the building to see some chaos. "Most of the people...Get your asses to Galbadia Garden, stat!"   
"Not one bit. I run this Garden. Squall put me in charge. Now, come on. We've got to find him and Rinoa so I'm not in charge anymore! Where is he?" Suddenly, Squall dropped from the ground brandishing his gunblade at the people. He yelled "Let's rock..." as he put his gunblade at Zell's throat.  
"I...think...we've found him..." Zell replied. Selphie proceeded to hit Squall, freeing Zell. The three started running out of Garden. "Do you SEE why we should have skipped the movie?" Irvine yelled.  
"Well, hindsight's 20-20, especially when the movie sucked like it did..." Zell replied. "Let's just get to the Ragnarok, STAT!" The four ran over to the Ragnarok and started to head off. "WAIT! ZELL!" Zell saw the library girl standing outside the Ragnarok. "Take me with you! The others have been corrupted...if you don't take me, I'll probably die!"  
"Okay...come on board...don't touch anything, though..." Zell opened up to let the girl on. "Okay! FLY OUT, SELPHIE!" "Gotcha, Commander!" The craft speeded away from the Garden.   
"YES! We're safe!" Quistis shouted.  
"My one question though, is why would Squall attack us?" Selphie asked. "That's just not like him..."  
  
Meanwhile, back at Garden...  
"I have driven them away, my sorceress..." Squall stated.  
"...And the others?"  
"They are either with us, or they've been scattered." Squall replied.  
"Good, my knight. Soon, we will rule the world!" Rinoa screamed before going into another evil laugh period to show she was now evil as fuck.  
  
  



End file.
